Books and cats – necessities of life

It’s the weekend after a busy week and today has been spent mostly reading. I’m currently reading “The Terror” by Dan Simmons, and am engrossed with the story. I finished the first 5 “American Vampire” TPBs, David Morrell’s “Creepers” and “Station Eleven” by Emily St. John Mandel since last I wrote. I started “Lemony Snicket” but I was rather annoyed with the constant stopping to define words. I understand that’s great for the kids for which it was written, but my patience couldn’t take it. I may finish it later. I read short stories in between. “Creepers” appealed to me as an urban explorer, although I haven’t explored for a while. MD was rich in abandoned hospitals and the like, but not so for SC. Well, the trip to the Southwest with Raven is booked for April, and I plan on checking out some old ghost towns while we’re out there. It should do us both good to get away. Travel has a way of clearing my soul.

Jack, the one eyed black kitty we adopted, is settled in nicely. I planned to get two cats, and should have got them at the same time, but I didn’t. So Jack and Merlin sometimes play, sometimes smack each other, but generally get along. Jack is a sweetheart… I really want to give him a better name, but nothing has seemed to fit so far. I still miss Wraith and Rudy. Especially Rudy… I had him longer and he was such a lovebug. I picture him often, with his various expressions, and remember how he looked stretching, and running and sleeping. I think he was doomed from the time he was dumped in the shelter, but with a lot of help from Ali, we saved him, and I’m grateful for the time I had with him. He always had health issues left from the shelter mess, and they are what ultimately killed him. But he knew he was loved for the three years he was with us and he didn’t go through a prolonged illness at the end.

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I’m missing Wraith and Rudy especially bad today. We have two vets, and the one treating Rudy called to see how he was doing. I had to tell her he was gone. Yesterday I went to one of the houses where the adoptable cats are kept to get their photos for petfinder. They were in cages and are in bad need of socializing. They were scared to death and it took quite a bit of wrangling and patience to try to get photos of them. At Ali’s house, the cats she keeps are used to people and most have the run of the house. However at this place, no one lives there, it’s just the cats that are kept there and checked on every day. I’m not happy with the photos because every one of them had to be held to keep them from bolting. I feel so bad for them because those cats need to be friendly to be adopted. They will warm up a bit after a while, but it takes a while and people are impatient. There was a cage of three siblings that were pretty young, and they were chasing each other around the house while we worked on some of the others. Every so often I would see one of them go arcing through the air as he or she pounced on their sibling. It was really cute. There is one cat from another cage that is part Maine Coon, and it has the coat and tufts, but not the size. It’s a beautiful cat but wary. Raven immediately started trying to play with all of them, of course, but they were really freaked out by it. Anyway, I’ll go through the photos and see what I can do with them. I believe there are photos of Rudy on the camera, and possibly Wraith.

I also need to recreate the facebook page for the charity. I was just on there taking a look at what we have and saw the photos I posted of Rudy. He was such a precious boy and I don’t think I’ll ever find another cat like him. Of course they all have their own personalities, but Rudy being blind made him extra special. He just wanted to be held and I miss him cuddling and his purrs. I miss his funny little face and how sometimes he would get confused if things had been moved. I miss the curly fur on his belly and the long tufts in his ears. I miss his furry toes and how he would roll over onto his back when he was being held. I even miss how he could get pissy when he didn’t get his way. With Wraith, I miss how he would pat at you to get your attention and his sweet rusty purr. I miss how he would get in bed between us and how he liked to lay with his head and front paws on my stomach and his back end on the bed. He was more Brian’s than mine, but I loved him.

I do want to adopt a couple more cats. I love my Merlin kitty. He is my baby, but I want to take in a couple more. There are so many that need homes. I want a cat that will bond with me, and know that I am his/her momma, for the rest of his/her life. There is a cat that Raven wants, but if she adopts one, it will bond with her and leave with her when she goes, or that’s how it should be. I will not put myself or the cat through being attached to him and then having him taken away, or him being attached to her and then her leaving. There is a clear line there that may be a problem. Raven says she understands completely and agrees, but her impulse is going to be to try to spoil the cat rotten. She can do that with my cats because they know who their momma is. Well now it’s just Merlin, but it used to be the others too. With a new cat, it takes time to form the bond that will be for life so Raven needs to give the cat and myself that time. I think she knows enough about cats and me to understand that, but her impulse is going to be to hold it, play with it and baby it immediately. She loves cats, but she doesn’t really understand the responsibilities that come with one, so if she gets a job she can adopt. She sorely needs to learn some responsibilities and I’m trying to teach her. She hasn’t looked for a job or done anything about college. I’m hoping therapy will help with that, at least the anxiety part. I love her so much and want to help her however I can. That’s a whole other blog entry though and today I just needed to write about Rudy and Wraith.

Whatever cat I decide to adopt, I want to take him/her on a trial basis first to make sure they fit in with everyone here before I give him my heart. I had two in mind, but apparently they have various health issues. Ali says their issues are probably due to stress, from being around so many cats, and that’s entirely possible, but right now I want a healthy cat. I’d like a black one, because those are the hardest to find homes for. It’s going to take me months to get caught up financially so I’d like to do that before I take on any cats with health issues.

Enough. My head is aching and I’m tired.

Rudy

Rudy’s gone. The day before yesterday he was weak and miserable so I made the appointment. We took him in yesterday. I held him all the way there and let him know I love him. It was time to let him go but God it’s killing me. I’m still looking for Wraith and now Rudy is gone too. When I get the animal’s dinners ready, I only have one kitty bowl now, and I keep thinking I see one of the cats in the corner of my eye, walking across the back of the couch or curling up in a familiar spot.. I have two litter pans, and a bunch of cat beds, but it’s just Merlin now. Merlin has been with me the longest, and he’s my baby, but Rudy was the one that always wanted to be held. My cats are my companions, babies and best friends. They love me and let me love them. They comfort me when I need comforting and they make me smile. They bring joy and stability to my existence. Those who know me best understand and respect this.

Letting Rudy go ripped me apart, but I keep trying to swallow the pain because I cannot share it. Raven feels it to a point. She lost him too, but he wasn’t her baby. Neither of them were. She went through the worst of it the night before we took him in. With her I try not to let her see me fall apart because I have to be strong for her, but I need someone to lean on too. What I needed was for someone to hold me, tell me they love me and that it will be ok, even if I know it won’t.

Rudy

I’m still mourning Wraith, and I’m losing Rudy too. He won’t eat in spite of the appetite stimulants and the anti-emetics. The vet said they can’t do anything else so I have to say goodbye to him. I can’t let him waste away not eating and I don’t want to force-feed him. I would if he would get better – I’ve done it before –  but he won’t. He was doing so well until a few days ago. He had been eating, drinking and playing. There was no gradual drop off, he just quit.

Today he has just wanted to be held. I can tell he doesn’t feel good and I don’t want him to suffer. But God it’s going to kill me to lose another one.

Halloween and personal stuff

Diaries are great for venting. Writing down my thoughts has always helped me to sort them out and to calm me down. When I was going through my books recently I came across my old written diaries. I’m glad I have them to look back on one day. Digital diaries serve the same purpose, but they aren’t as reliable. I know nothing gets deleted from the internet, etc etc.. but in the past when my blogs have delved into things too personal I’ve closed them off, and as a result I have a few of them out there still. I’m not going to do that again. I should merge them, if that’s possible. Still, writing on here tends to make me self-edit out of fear that someone reading may take things wrong.

Raven and I had this weekend-long horror movie marathon planned while Brian was away. However, she was called in to work (which is great), so that sort of messed up those plans. She wanted to decorate, but was too tired to bother last night so we just watched a few movies instead.  First up was “Scream“. She had never seen it, and it’s become somewhat of a classic. It did a lot of firsts, and I loved it when it came out. It was original for its time. She loved it, and was thrown off as to who the killer was, just as I was the first time I watched it. Next we watched “Mercy“. “Mercy” is based on a Stephen King short story called “Gramma” and stars Chandler Riggs as the grandson. I believe it was a straight to video release, but it was pretty good. It also starred Dylan McDermot as the sort-of Uncle figure. I loved the story and like Chandler Riggs in “The Walking Dead“, so I was looking forward to it. It was no “Scream“, but it was enjoyable. Last we watched a short one called “Hollow’s Grove“. It was an Indie found footage type of film, but had Lance Henrickson in it. Unfortunately, Lance was only in the movie for a few moments. The movie had some good scares but was basically a rip-off of “Grave Encounters“. We’ll probably watch a few more tonight. I’m thinking J-horror movie “Suicide Club“, Joe Hill’s “Horns” and some old school with “The Hunger“.

Anyway, I’m writing about everything except what’s on my mind. I’m hurt, angry and confused. I find myself withdrawing more and more, simply to protect myself. This morning I had to take Rudy to the vet again because he isn’t eating. Well, his kidney values are worse and he’s not feeling well. They hydrated him and gave him some more anti-nausea medication, but as of now, he’s curled up sleeping in the cat bed, still not eating. They said to force feed him if he isn’t eating tonight, and to bring him in tomorrow if so. I had hoped so much that he was bouncing back from the CRF, because he was doing so well, but he’s not. I have to accept that he is in fact dying. I was going to get him retested at another vet, but I’ve canceled that appointment. It’s going to come down to his quality of life and I’ll have to let him go. The thought of that rips me apart.

My cats mean more to me than I can say. Anyone who knows me well knows how I am about them. When they are hurt, or I’m losing one, I naturally get very upset. However, I do not panic. When Rudy passed out, I checked his glucose, got honey on his gums, mixed sugar and milk to get his sugar up, then kibble. I was shaking as I did so, but I did everything that needed done in spite of being upset. When Wraith was on the floor and we didn’t know what was wrong, I called the emergency vet, repeatedly, until I got a return call. Being upset is not the same as panicking. Panicking would be if I froze or didn’t do the things I was supposed to do. I do what needs to be done, and I do it quickly.

I have no idea how or why people twist facts to fit their narrative. It’s like there’s this horrible filter things go through from point A, what is said, and point B, how it is interpreted. There is a disconnect in between. There is something that takes what is said and adds all sorts of subtexts and assumptions and what I imagine must be an internal dialog that is feeding off of anger from other things, and this filter twists it around to be something unrecognizable. Then I’m blindsided and completely lost when it comes out the other end and I have no idea where this new, twisted thing and the anger behind it has even come from.

Yeah, I know I’m skipping all over the place today. It’s my blog – deal with it or not. I’ve been running around all day and I have to go pick up Raven soon. I just wanted to vent a bit.

Happy Halloween, however you celebrate it. This is my favorite holiday.

After

It’s been a few days since Wraith passed. I think I’m ok, but then something makes me think of him, or see him and I start crying again. I know it’s normal and that I need time to grieve. I just wish I didn’t. I’ve been having RLS and not sleeping much. Last night I got about 2 hours so after Brian and Raven left I tried to go back to sleep. However, a lady called me and said she went to get Wraith for cremation. That makes me think of his poor body laying there. Meanwhile I have Rudy warm and asleep on my chest and to think that he may be gone very soon also is just too much.

The past couple of months I’m struggling financially and it will continue for a couple more months, at least. It doesn’t matter… it will work out eventually. Rudy won’t eat for me today so I have to go get more A/D and fluids. I abhor giving him those because I have to put a huge needle in his poor little body. I’d rather take it myself than give it to him.

I’m too tired and dispirited for much more today.

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Wraith

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Rudy

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Rudy, Wraith, Merlin

Wraith

Our kitty Wraith passed on last night. He got stuck behind the couch a week or so ago and could barely move due to his arthritis. We were afraid he was going to die then before we found out what it was. He’s been on pain meds and was doing much better. He was moving around again, eating and purring. My baby Rudy is sick as well. They tell me he’s dying but I have a hard time believing it. Between the two of them, I’ve been busy nursing cats. Raven has been a huge help. Last night Wraith was in bed with me. He was laying up against my side when I fell asleep, and when I pet him he gave me his rusty little purr that I love so much. And now I’m crying again.

I hadn’t been asleep for long when I woke to a noise. I think it was him falling that woke me. At any rate, I woke to find him on the floor beside the bed, on his back. Brian came in and we talked to Wraith and pet him but he was unresponsive. His paws were twitching and he was panting, but that was all. Brian feared his back or neck was broken and we were afraid to move him. After several calls, the vet returned our call. (It was 1:30am) Wraith wasn’t reacting and we knew he was going but he needed some help. We took him in to the vet and the Doctor said he had a stroke. I don’t think Wraith was aware of anything by then so we kissed him goodbye and let him go.

Wraith was Brian’s favorite and they were buddies. Wraith loved him. I know Brian is hurt by his loss. But he won’t share even that with me. He won’t let me comfort him or offer any comfort. I wanted to hug him and be here for him but I know he’ll only push me away so I feel like I can’t help and it’s frustrating. We both lost the furbaby we loved.

I just had to call and cancel Wraith’s appt with the other vet for his annual shots. I didn’t even schedule Rudy because they tell me he’s dying. I’d like to get his bloodwork run again but the vet bills have been so much lately, as well as other unexpected bills, and now Christmas is coming. Anyway. Wraith was old. We really don’t know how old, but I’m sure it was older than Ali thought. I’m glad he got to spend the last part of his life with us, with people who loved him and treated him the way he should be treated. It always rips my heart out when one of my cats dies, and I always miss them, but the joy they bring to the lives of those who love them is worth it. There are always so many cats that need loving homes.

My head feels like it’s going to explode and my thoughts are a bit disjointed. I just needed to write a little about what happened. I’ll miss you, Wraithy.