Diaries are great for venting. Writing down my thoughts has always helped me to sort them out and to calm me down. When I was going through my books recently I came across my old written diaries. I’m glad I have them to look back on one day. Digital diaries serve the same purpose, but they aren’t as reliable. I know nothing gets deleted from the internet, etc etc.. but in the past when my blogs have delved into things too personal I’ve closed them off, and as a result I have a few of them out there still. I’m not going to do that again. I should merge them, if that’s possible. Still, writing on here tends to make me self-edit out of fear that someone reading may take things wrong.
Raven and I had this weekend-long horror movie marathon planned while Brian was away. However, she was called in to work (which is great), so that sort of messed up those plans. She wanted to decorate, but was too tired to bother last night so we just watched a few movies instead. First up was “Scream“. She had never seen it, and it’s become somewhat of a classic. It did a lot of firsts, and I loved it when it came out. It was original for its time. She loved it, and was thrown off as to who the killer was, just as I was the first time I watched it. Next we watched “Mercy“. “Mercy” is based on a Stephen King short story called “Gramma” and stars Chandler Riggs as the grandson. I believe it was a straight to video release, but it was pretty good. It also starred Dylan McDermot as the sort-of Uncle figure. I loved the story and like Chandler Riggs in “The Walking Dead“, so I was looking forward to it. It was no “Scream“, but it was enjoyable. Last we watched a short one called “Hollow’s Grove“. It was an Indie found footage type of film, but had Lance Henrickson in it. Unfortunately, Lance was only in the movie for a few moments. The movie had some good scares but was basically a rip-off of “Grave Encounters“. We’ll probably watch a few more tonight. I’m thinking J-horror movie “Suicide Club“, Joe Hill’s “Horns” and some old school with “The Hunger“.
Anyway, I’m writing about everything except what’s on my mind. I’m hurt, angry and confused. I find myself withdrawing more and more, simply to protect myself. This morning I had to take Rudy to the vet again because he isn’t eating. Well, his kidney values are worse and he’s not feeling well. They hydrated him and gave him some more anti-nausea medication, but as of now, he’s curled up sleeping in the cat bed, still not eating. They said to force feed him if he isn’t eating tonight, and to bring him in tomorrow if so. I had hoped so much that he was bouncing back from the CRF, because he was doing so well, but he’s not. I have to accept that he is in fact dying. I was going to get him retested at another vet, but I’ve canceled that appointment. It’s going to come down to his quality of life and I’ll have to let him go. The thought of that rips me apart.
My cats mean more to me than I can say. Anyone who knows me well knows how I am about them. When they are hurt, or I’m losing one, I naturally get very upset. However, I do not panic. When Rudy passed out, I checked his glucose, got honey on his gums, mixed sugar and milk to get his sugar up, then kibble. I was shaking as I did so, but I did everything that needed done in spite of being upset. When Wraith was on the floor and we didn’t know what was wrong, I called the emergency vet, repeatedly, until I got a return call. Being upset is not the same as panicking. Panicking would be if I froze or didn’t do the things I was supposed to do. I do what needs to be done, and I do it quickly.
I have no idea how or why people twist facts to fit their narrative. It’s like there’s this horrible filter things go through from point A, what is said, and point B, how it is interpreted. There is a disconnect in between. There is something that takes what is said and adds all sorts of subtexts and assumptions and what I imagine must be an internal dialog that is feeding off of anger from other things, and this filter twists it around to be something unrecognizable. Then I’m blindsided and completely lost when it comes out the other end and I have no idea where this new, twisted thing and the anger behind it has even come from.
Yeah, I know I’m skipping all over the place today. It’s my blog – deal with it or not. I’ve been running around all day and I have to go pick up Raven soon. I just wanted to vent a bit.
Happy Halloween, however you celebrate it. This is my favorite holiday.