Missing t

T has been on my mind a lot. I miss her badly and wish I could talk to her. I’m also seriously pissed off at her. She was the closest person in the world to me, including family. She was my family as far as that goes, and I would have done absolutely anything to help her. From the time we met I was looking out for her, whether she knew it or not. I have no idea how many times I had to stand up for her when we were teens-20s. When I was still scrappy, I suppose. Any time she needed anything I did it for her. I’m the one she called in the middle of the night when something was bothering her. I’m the one who would drop everything and come over if she needed me to. She always had two best friends, me and the other J, but I’m the one she talked to more, saw more, and who was always there. I was the only one at her first wedding, and I did everything I could to make her second special. That’s not putting down J in any way… she lived further away and had kids to deal with. But it remains that it was me that was always there. So when she said I had never done anything for her, I was stunned. I know she’s parroting some bullshit someone must be feeding her, but she should have given it some fucking thought before she repeated that shit. Besides being a damn good friend, I got her a job when she needed it, a place to stay when she needed it, lent her money when she needed it, brought her things she needed, and on and on…. And for her to forget or to dismiss all that I’ve done for her is just appalling.
I hate what alcohol turned her into. It broke my heart. When she started putting the kids in danger, enough was enough. Driving drunk with the kids in the car, leaving them to fend for themselves, leaving them at sleazy motels while she went chasing after her ex… Just not acceptable. When she decided she was going to try to get Jason back after what he did to R, I could not be a party to that in any way.
Still, I thought eventually we would work it out. I thought she’d sober up and realize how she had been behaving. That’s what other people thought too. I was the fourth person to call about the kids. I hated to do it. I cried for two weeks before I gave in and did it. That was after talking repeatedly about it to various people who encouraged me to do so. I know it was the right thing to do but I still felt bad about it. Still, we had been friends a lifetime. I didn’t think anything could break that.
Then damn if she didn’t move in with my ex, of all people. I know she has a problem being alone and God forbid she actually has to work or something, but that was really fucking low. He let her drink so she stayed, and in doing so, made it clear that she did not think we would reconcile. I was already pissed at her, but she still threw away our friendship for a place to drink.

Then to find out that she somehow thinks her fucked up life is somehow my fault, is just too much. She’s the one that ruined her relationship with her kids when she chose her child’s molester over her child. She’s the one that ruined her relationships with her friends over drink. Then her drunken ranting on facebook about how “I’m evil” and to “give her back her daughter” like Raven was a thing I had stolen. She did apologize for that and her excuse was that she was drunk. But I am sick of being blamed.

I was so angry over this the other day I started to log on just to say “fuck you, Tara, you broke my heart”. I managed to control myself, but I tell you, it took both hands to grab hold of myself. I’m so lonely I could die sometimes, and I miss talking to my friend. So many things remind me of her. The memories of 25+ years are wrapped up with her. When she messaged me recently I laid into her. I was still furious. I am still furious. But underneath that I’m just really hurt and I miss my sister. I keep telling myself that she has shown that her friendship is no longer worth having. She has shown how easily she will turn on someone if it is to her advantage. It makes me wonder if she was always such a shitty person or if it’s just the booze. I want to believe it’s the booze, but I honestly don’t know if there is any of her left in there.
I just wish I could go back in time and stop all of this.


Cecil and all the rest

“Whenever I see a photograph of some sportsman grinning over his kill, I am always impressed by the striking moral and aesthetic superiority of the dead animal to the live one.”
~ Edward Abbey

Starting with Cecil the lion, the plight of endangered species and trophy hunting has been in the news. By now everyone has heard of the dentist who lured a protected, tagged lion that was used to people and had no fear of them, out of his park with scent and meat. This sad little man then shot the lion with a bow and arrow, waited 40+ hours, and then finally slaughtered him, decapitating and skinning him. Cecil was this lion’s name and he was a well-known lion with a large pride and many cubs. He was a gorgeous specimen, with a regal black mane and intelligent eyes. He was 13 years old, and would walk right up to tourist’s vehicles. Now this slimy little dentist is being harassed. I truly, deeply hope that he is extradited for poaching. His non-apology is insulting. He apologizes that the lion he killed was a known favorite and part of a study, not that he killed it. He is only sorry that he got caught, and he will never understand the difference.

Lions were listed as proposed threatened last year, which basically means they are just waiting for the paperwork to go through to make it official. But you know, even if we had lions in abundance, I would still find it revolting. There is this beautiful, majestic creature with emotions and feelings. The so called hunter isn’t hungry and is certainly in no danger. No, he just wants to slaughter this creature so he can mount its head and show it off to his friends. I truly think he’s trying to make up for some inadequacies on his part. I also think that he is a sociopath lacking any empathy whatsoever. For this particular wealthy and privileged POS, not any lion will do. He wants the top specimen. The lion with the biggest, blackest mane, and damn the consequences. This person only received a slap on the wrist for his previous poaching charges, so I’m sure he thinks this is the same. I very much hope that is not the case.

I am very passionate about this. I am very pissed off and I am absolutely disgusted with the human race. I have waited a few days to write anything with the wisdom of knowing better than to spew the first things that come to mind. However, it seems I am still filled with rage. I am sick to death of “Why don’t you get this upset about “insert pet crusade here””, as  I am perfectly capable of debating more than one issue at a time.

Then Zimbabwe came out and said another doctor had done the same thing in April. I don’t know why they didn’t bring charges up in April, but either way, this is another disgusting little man with more money than empathy. I have always heard that doctors are one of the top professions for psychopaths, and  I think there must be something to that. This particular POS has killed multiple elephants, antelope, zebra, caracal, leopards and just about every other creature in Africa. Poachers are disgusting life forms that need to be exterminated, and trophy hunting is no better. This barbaric practice should have been banned 100 years ago. Elephants… I don’t even know what to say. The elephants really get to me. I’ve read he’s killed six of them. Elephants are intelligent, emotional creatures with tight knit relationships and a strong sense of altruism. These things are widely known… I’m not saying anything radical here. It’s just a fact. But it is another species, so we slaughter them. I often think better of these other species than I do of my own.

Both of these ‘great white hunters’ are now being harassed and have gone into hiding. Good. I hope they lose their practices. Perhaps that will dissuade others from the slaughter of the world’s wildlife. It’s disappearing quickly. I visited Kenya long ago, and it was one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever gone. The great plains with grazing herds of wildebeest and zebra, wandering families of elephants and giraffes, and prides of lions was magnificent. I have always wanted to return there, but the thought of those plains being empty is a sad one. I hope more African countries ban hunting their animals and instead protect them and build up a lucrative tourist industry.


Forgiveness – nsfw

I haven’t written for a few days. I was supposed to write about forgiveness, and I’ve given it some thought, but I still don’t know what to say.

I know that being angry hurts me, not the person/people I’m angry with. Normally I don’t hold onto that sort of thing for long. I’ve never been one to hold a grudge. Either we talk it out or it fades. I don’t even have anger for my father any more.

However, there is an incident, or series of incidents that I haven’t been able to let go and I’m not sure why. It’s been years now, but it still makes me mad when I think of it. I guess part of it was surprise. My aunt has always claimed to be such a religious person and even though I’ve seen and heard that she doesn’t practice what she preaches, I didn’t know she was so malicious. Her daughter has always been a cunt, if you’ll excuse the language. That’s really the only way to describe her. And then there was the other daughter, who I was once friends with. To find that she had made up this story about my husband and I and then lied to the family about what happened during their discussion didn’t really shock me at that point, just added to it. It was the other two that I cannot forgive. I wouldn’t need to forgive them if I knew I’d never see them again, but unfortunately, they are related so I will see them around my grandmother at some point. If they start pretending to my face, I will call them out on it. I will not put up with their lies. I told my uncle the whole story, the only one who bothers talking to me. Everyone else believed the lies my bitch of an aunt and cunt of a cousin were telling. My aunt sent out my response to the cunt without what she wrote to me for reference, to try to make it look as if I attacked her out of the blue. And she never bothered telling anyone that I had apologized, but kept it going while accusing me of not dropping it. If there is a God, she will have a hell of a lot to answer for.

Ah damn it. This isn’t talking about forgiveness, this is just making me angry again. Apparently I just can’t, or I don’t know how. I think it’s because the  lies they came up with were so outrageous, so incredibly far from the truth, that I was stunned. I have never spread my business across the family, and that included my grandmother. I know how they gossip. So apparently they just made up their own. Damn it. I have to stop.

I’m sorry.