Changes

I had a couple of rejections. I know everyone gets them and all but they still suck. On the other hand, there are a few that I have my fingers crossed for that have been under review for a while. That’s supposed to be a good thing so we’ll see.

I was planning to sell this house and try to find another one this Spring but hadn’t really done anything major yet, just a few minor things to fix the place up. Houses here are outrageously expensive. Hunter owns a few rentals and mentioned how much he paid for one. It was a fraction of the price here so I started looking and prices in his neck of the woods are so much cheaper than here. What he calls expensive is super cheap for here. I had no idea there would be such a huge discrepancy but I’ve been looking and I’m seriously considering moving up there. The thing is, I can’t move for him. We’d see each other more but his poly thing doesn’t work for me long term. I just haven’t met anyone else. He would be the only one I know anywhere near there. But then, my brother and cousin are all I have here and I don’t see them a lot. My cousin is planning on moving anyway. I’m trying to convince my brother to move with me. He’d be a lot better off financially. There are more jobs and housing is cheaper. Pay is good and he might actually get caught up eventually. As it is now he will be renting forever. If he moved he’d have a shot at getting a house eventually.

His wife is not going to want to move. But he’s working two jobs and is going to kill himself trying to keep the house he has at this rate. She won’t work and they like the house. It’s a nice house… but they can’t afford it. Something’s got to give. He’s stopping over after his second job tonight and I’ll pitch it to him then.

A realtor is coming to look at my house on Thursday so I’ve been busy trying to give it a good cleaning. It’s all moving pretty fast and I need to slow down and give it more thought. But…. I found a house up there that I fell in love with. It’s a little rancher that looks like it’s in good shape. But what really sells me is that it is smack dab in the middle of miles of woods. The property comes with 10 acres which is way more than I need but is certainly nice. I got approved for it but it would be pressing my finances. So I’m looking at some of the cheaper options. Hunter said if I waited until Fall he’d try to find another rental that fit my criteria.

If I do this it will suck up my savings.. at least until I sell this house. I want to travel… but I want someone to travel with me. I don’t know. It’s a lot to think about. Meanwhile I have lots of other stuff going on this month. Mostly Doctor appointments. Tomorrow I go for an MRI of my C-spine. It’s gotten a good deal worse so we need to find out what’s going on in there. Next week I have dentist and oral surgeon. Fun.. and super expensive. Like, mega expensive. This country needs universal healthcare badly and it needs to include dental.

Books: I finished “Harbor” by John Ajvide Lindqvist. It was good! I think it lost a little cohesiveness towards the end but I really like his writing. I believe there are a couple of sequels to this book so I’ll add them to my list. I want to start the manga tonight but my eyes have been bothering me quite a bit. I stare at computer screens all day. The eye doctor is another appointment coming up soon. I just love January. 😉

So… the house has me preoccupied. Hunter has been working overtime to come up with money for his pending rental house purchase so we haven’t seen each other for a few weeks. Which is getting to be a distraction and a problem. I have not written a lot lately with everything going on. I’ve been working on sending some stuff out and revising but not much new. I’ll post some new haiku below and a short erotic poem. I do love doing the horror and scifi haikus. 🙂 I’ll write more later… and catch up on everyone else’s blogs.

You know words are my weakness;
That when you get that dangerous edge
it enhances my senses
leaving me weak and wet,
that when you tell me I’m yours
it’s an exigent fire burning
through my resistance,
that when you order me to kneel
it feels like coming home.

A spell inked in blood Carved into my lurching heart Calling back my soul	A last vicious snarl Before a raging silence Menace in the air
menacing footsteps the sound of a cackling beast hold your breath and pray	Movement in the dark Unknown fears constricting breath Lurking eyes gleam red

…meh.

The Mad Ones

“Because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes «Awww!»”
― Jack Kerouac, On The Road

Of course, Jack Kerouac died at 47. That’s the problem with over the top, intensity-turned-up-to-eleven people. If you do manage to survive, it’s because you let off the gas pedal. You slowed down, obeyed the laws of nature and your failing body, you settled. It’s natural, it’s what’s expected, and once you’ve lost that momentum it’s not easily regained. And who would want to, for the most part? It’s a desperate way to live. But still…

Most would tell you I used to be one of those people, and I think it was exhausting. For them, I mean. Apparently it’s difficult to be friends with someone who lives on the edge when you don’t know when they might fall off. As for me, that restless spirit caused more misery than joy. Even so, if I’m outside at night and there’s that swelling feeling of longing in the air, my heart seizes on it, fierce and rising, and I get an echo of that sensual violence.

I traveled a lot, trying to channel that into less harmful activities. It worked for the most part, but even then I would push the edges. I went to Guyana to do volunteer work. It was WAY back in the jungle, 5 hours by boat to the nearest town. I never did do half measures. Anyway, at the end of the trip I was trying to leave early because things had gone badly. I had gotten back to the city and only had like 2 days but I wanted to go. I couldn’t change my ticket, so I called my friend, who could tell there was something wrong. While she went to work on my behalf, I visited the zoo. There was a gorgeous black jaguar there. It wasn’t like US zoos where you can’t get anywhere near them. It was a wire fence enclosure, so I was up against the fence. I put my fingers through and she jumped up. Her paws were incredibly huge. She was very gentle, but she chewed on my finger a little. I remember the click of her tooth on my nail and the heat of her breath. To me it was a magical experience and I only wished she could be free. About that time an employee yanked me back and started lecturing. That’s ok. Contact had been made, even if only for a moment. To me, it was a highlight. My friend was speechless when I told her about it. I tried to explain to her that I knew she wouldn’t hurt me, but my friend, who was very conservative, about had a heart attack just hearing about it.

I think that lack of fear on my part unnerved her. That’s only one example of things she couldn’t understand about me, but still, she was a good friend and we were close for a long time. Until one day we weren’t, and she ghosted me, apparently because of a(nother) dangerous situation I was in. I have a hard time understanding that because it’s not something I would ever do to a friend. I guess if you ‘burn burn burn like Roman candles exploding’, there’s going to be shrapnel.

Here’s a scifaiku from Saturday with the prompt ‘open’:

Remember the Cant!
Holden charging through the belt
Open source hero

And from a couple of months ago:

Xenocidal child
Hive queen and the Hegemon
Speaker for the dead

Neither of these are my best, but they are both very nerdy so sort of go together. 🙂 Happy Wednesday.

Coreopsis blooming in the garden – my bees love this stuff.

Live

“There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall, so many laws to keep you from experience. All these cities I have been in the last few weeks make me fully understand the cozy, stifling state in which most people pass through life. I don’t want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride. All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die. I don’t want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow. I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun – hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks. People will walk by and say, “Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case.” I will turn and say to them “It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job, cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn’t even conceive. For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that. For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!” And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.”

~ Henry Rollins