Mad Girl’s Love Song

“I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”

~Sylvia Plath

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Familiar dark places

I’ve been here before, many times. I was foolish to think I had left this place for good, and now I am without any support whatsoever. I am more isolated than I’ve ever been even in a lifetime of loneliness and it adds to my vulnerability.

The Eliot poem ‘Prufrock’ has been caught in my head, or parts of it at least. The part that says

I should have been a pair of ragged claws

scuttling across the floors of silent seas

feels like me. That and the ending with the mermaids. Hell, I think I posted it not long ago.

So here I am, isolated, without my independence but with someone who does not wish for me to be here after it’s been given to him. I cannot turn to the solace of the woods that I have found since I was a small child because there is only swamp. I’m scattered, shaky and trying not to look too deeply into that pit yawning at my feet. I’ve fallen in there before and it’s hard to escape.

Words are snagged and tangled in a rushing stream of consciousness. They are caught on the giant lump that lives in my throat and makes my body shake. Sometimes they leak from my eyes but no one is here to catch them before I wipe them out of existence. Even if I were to find a way to loosen these words, I know the knee-jerk reaction I would be given in return so it often seems like it’s not worth the pain of prying them loose. Still, they have to go somewhere before the poison spreads further.

I keep trying but there’s really nothing I can do alone.