Rudy’s gone. The day before yesterday he was weak and miserable so I made the appointment. We took him in yesterday. I held him all the way there and let him know I love him. It was time to let him go but God it’s killing me. I’m still looking for Wraith and now Rudy is gone too. When I get the animal’s dinners ready, I only have one kitty bowl now, and I keep thinking I see one of the cats in the corner of my eye, walking across the back of the couch or curling up in a familiar spot.. I have two litter pans, and a bunch of cat beds, but it’s just Merlin now. Merlin has been with me the longest, and he’s my baby, but Rudy was the one that always wanted to be held. My cats are my companions, babies and best friends. They love me and let me love them. They comfort me when I need comforting and they make me smile. They bring joy and stability to my existence. Those who know me best understand and respect this.
Letting Rudy go ripped me apart, but I keep trying to swallow the pain because I cannot share it. Raven feels it to a point. She lost him too, but he wasn’t her baby. Neither of them were. She went through the worst of it the night before we took him in. With her I try not to let her see me fall apart because I have to be strong for her, but I need someone to lean on too. What I needed was for someone to hold me, tell me they love me and that it will be ok, even if I know it won’t.