I’m missing Wraith and Rudy especially bad today. We have two vets, and the one treating Rudy called to see how he was doing. I had to tell her he was gone. Yesterday I went to one of the houses where the adoptable cats are kept to get their photos for petfinder. They were in cages and are in bad need of socializing. They were scared to death and it took quite a bit of wrangling and patience to try to get photos of them. At Ali’s house, the cats she keeps are used to people and most have the run of the house. However at this place, no one lives there, it’s just the cats that are kept there and checked on every day. I’m not happy with the photos because every one of them had to be held to keep them from bolting. I feel so bad for them because those cats need to be friendly to be adopted. They will warm up a bit after a while, but it takes a while and people are impatient. There was a cage of three siblings that were pretty young, and they were chasing each other around the house while we worked on some of the others. Every so often I would see one of them go arcing through the air as he or she pounced on their sibling. It was really cute. There is one cat from another cage that is part Maine Coon, and it has the coat and tufts, but not the size. It’s a beautiful cat but wary. Raven immediately started trying to play with all of them, of course, but they were really freaked out by it. Anyway, I’ll go through the photos and see what I can do with them. I believe there are photos of Rudy on the camera, and possibly Wraith.

I also need to recreate the facebook page for the charity. I was just on there taking a look at what we have and saw the photos I posted of Rudy. He was such a precious boy and I don’t think I’ll ever find another cat like him. Of course they all have their own personalities, but Rudy being blind made him extra special. He just wanted to be held and I miss him cuddling and his purrs. I miss his funny little face and how sometimes he would get confused if things had been moved. I miss the curly fur on his belly and the long tufts in his ears. I miss his furry toes and how he would roll over onto his back when he was being held. I even miss how he could get pissy when he didn’t get his way. With Wraith, I miss how he would pat at you to get your attention and his sweet rusty purr. I miss how he would get in bed between us and how he liked to lay with his head and front paws on my stomach and his back end on the bed. He was more Brian’s than mine, but I loved him.

I do want to adopt a couple more cats. I love my Merlin kitty. He is my baby, but I want to take in a couple more. There are so many that need homes. I want a cat that will bond with me, and know that I am his/her momma, for the rest of his/her life. There is a cat that Raven wants, but if she adopts one, it will bond with her and leave with her when she goes, or that’s how it should be. I will not put myself or the cat through being attached to him and then having him taken away, or him being attached to her and then her leaving. There is a clear line there that may be a problem. Raven says she understands completely and agrees, but her impulse is going to be to try to spoil the cat rotten. She can do that with my cats because they know who their momma is. Well now it’s just Merlin, but it used to be the others too. With a new cat, it takes time to form the bond that will be for life so Raven needs to give the cat and myself that time. I think she knows enough about cats and me to understand that, but her impulse is going to be to hold it, play with it and baby it immediately. She loves cats, but she doesn’t really understand the responsibilities that come with one, so if she gets a job she can adopt. She sorely needs to learn some responsibilities and I’m trying to teach her. She hasn’t looked for a job or done anything about college. I’m hoping therapy will help with that, at least the anxiety part. I love her so much and want to help her however I can. That’s a whole other blog entry though and today I just needed to write about Rudy and Wraith.

Whatever cat I decide to adopt, I want to take him/her on a trial basis first to make sure they fit in with everyone here before I give him my heart. I had two in mind, but apparently they have various health issues. Ali says their issues are probably due to stress, from being around so many cats, and that’s entirely possible, but right now I want a healthy cat. I’d like a black one, because those are the hardest to find homes for. It’s going to take me months to get caught up financially so I’d like to do that before I take on any cats with health issues.

Enough. My head is aching and I’m tired.

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Rudy

Rudy’s gone. The day before yesterday he was weak and miserable so I made the appointment. We took him in yesterday. I held him all the way there and let him know I love him. It was time to let him go but God it’s killing me. I’m still looking for Wraith and now Rudy is gone too. When I get the animal’s dinners ready, I only have one kitty bowl now, and I keep thinking I see one of the cats in the corner of my eye, walking across the back of the couch or curling up in a familiar spot.. I have two litter pans, and a bunch of cat beds, but it’s just Merlin now. Merlin has been with me the longest, and he’s my baby, but Rudy was the one that always wanted to be held. My cats are my companions, babies and best friends. They love me and let me love them. They comfort me when I need comforting and they make me smile. They bring joy and stability to my existence. Those who know me best understand and respect this.

Letting Rudy go ripped me apart, but I keep trying to swallow the pain because I cannot share it. Raven feels it to a point. She lost him too, but he wasn’t her baby. Neither of them were. She went through the worst of it the night before we took him in. With her I try not to let her see me fall apart because I have to be strong for her, but I need someone to lean on too. What I needed was for someone to hold me, tell me they love me and that it will be ok, even if I know it won’t.

Rudy

I’m still mourning Wraith, and I’m losing Rudy too. He won’t eat in spite of the appetite stimulants and the anti-emetics. The vet said they can’t do anything else so I have to say goodbye to him. I can’t let him waste away not eating and I don’t want to force-feed him. I would if he would get better – I’ve done it before –  but he won’t. He was doing so well until a few days ago. He had been eating, drinking and playing. There was no gradual drop off, he just quit.

Today he has just wanted to be held. I can tell he doesn’t feel good and I don’t want him to suffer. But God it’s going to kill me to lose another one.