Trick or Treat

Raven’s dressing up for the kids.. I should have done the same. 🙂 I just got my first batch of trick or treaters. They were adorable and polite. (Some of the kids in the past were not..) The dogs are going nuts outside of course. Raven has to work again tomorrow so no all night movie marathon tonight, but maybe tomorrow night. I adore everything about Halloween. When Brian and I went to Dia de las Muertes in Oaxaca, that was one thing off my bucket list. It was a lot of fun.

Raven just came out in her cape and is ready to scare little kids. 🙂 Things are looking up. Next year we’ll have to plan ahead to decorate and dress up.

Ulalume [an excerpt]
by Edgar Allan Poe

The skies they were ashen and sober;
The leaves they were crisped and sere—
The leaves they were withering and sere;
It was night in the lonesome October
Of my most immemorial year:
It was hard by the dim lake of Auber,
In the misty mid region of Weir—
It was down by the dank tarn of Auber,
In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir …

Advertisements

Halloween and personal stuff

Diaries are great for venting. Writing down my thoughts has always helped me to sort them out and to calm me down. When I was going through my books recently I came across my old written diaries. I’m glad I have them to look back on one day. Digital diaries serve the same purpose, but they aren’t as reliable. I know nothing gets deleted from the internet, etc etc.. but in the past when my blogs have delved into things too personal I’ve closed them off, and as a result I have a few of them out there still. I’m not going to do that again. I should merge them, if that’s possible. Still, writing on here tends to make me self-edit out of fear that someone reading may take things wrong.

Raven and I had this weekend-long horror movie marathon planned while Brian was away. However, she was called in to work (which is great), so that sort of messed up those plans. She wanted to decorate, but was too tired to bother last night so we just watched a few movies instead.  First up was “Scream“. She had never seen it, and it’s become somewhat of a classic. It did a lot of firsts, and I loved it when it came out. It was original for its time. She loved it, and was thrown off as to who the killer was, just as I was the first time I watched it. Next we watched “Mercy“. “Mercy” is based on a Stephen King short story called “Gramma” and stars Chandler Riggs as the grandson. I believe it was a straight to video release, but it was pretty good. It also starred Dylan McDermot as the sort-of Uncle figure. I loved the story and like Chandler Riggs in “The Walking Dead“, so I was looking forward to it. It was no “Scream“, but it was enjoyable. Last we watched a short one called “Hollow’s Grove“. It was an Indie found footage type of film, but had Lance Henrickson in it. Unfortunately, Lance was only in the movie for a few moments. The movie had some good scares but was basically a rip-off of “Grave Encounters“. We’ll probably watch a few more tonight. I’m thinking J-horror movie “Suicide Club“, Joe Hill’s “Horns” and some old school with “The Hunger“.

Anyway, I’m writing about everything except what’s on my mind. I’m hurt, angry and confused. I find myself withdrawing more and more, simply to protect myself. This morning I had to take Rudy to the vet again because he isn’t eating. Well, his kidney values are worse and he’s not feeling well. They hydrated him and gave him some more anti-nausea medication, but as of now, he’s curled up sleeping in the cat bed, still not eating. They said to force feed him if he isn’t eating tonight, and to bring him in tomorrow if so. I had hoped so much that he was bouncing back from the CRF, because he was doing so well, but he’s not. I have to accept that he is in fact dying. I was going to get him retested at another vet, but I’ve canceled that appointment. It’s going to come down to his quality of life and I’ll have to let him go. The thought of that rips me apart.

My cats mean more to me than I can say. Anyone who knows me well knows how I am about them. When they are hurt, or I’m losing one, I naturally get very upset. However, I do not panic. When Rudy passed out, I checked his glucose, got honey on his gums, mixed sugar and milk to get his sugar up, then kibble. I was shaking as I did so, but I did everything that needed done in spite of being upset. When Wraith was on the floor and we didn’t know what was wrong, I called the emergency vet, repeatedly, until I got a return call. Being upset is not the same as panicking. Panicking would be if I froze or didn’t do the things I was supposed to do. I do what needs to be done, and I do it quickly.

I have no idea how or why people twist facts to fit their narrative. It’s like there’s this horrible filter things go through from point A, what is said, and point B, how it is interpreted. There is a disconnect in between. There is something that takes what is said and adds all sorts of subtexts and assumptions and what I imagine must be an internal dialog that is feeding off of anger from other things, and this filter twists it around to be something unrecognizable. Then I’m blindsided and completely lost when it comes out the other end and I have no idea where this new, twisted thing and the anger behind it has even come from.

Yeah, I know I’m skipping all over the place today. It’s my blog – deal with it or not. I’ve been running around all day and I have to go pick up Raven soon. I just wanted to vent a bit.

Happy Halloween, however you celebrate it. This is my favorite holiday.

Rudy won’t eat at all and he’s nauseous so I have to go back to the vet. Again. Raven should be off work soon so I’m going by the vet on the way to pick her up. I hope this job turns into something more permanent for her. It would do her good and get her on a more regular schedule. I told her a few days ago that I’m planning on making changes in my life, including resetting my schedule and she said she wanted to do it with me.

I’m too tired to do this now Write later.

After

It’s been a few days since Wraith passed. I think I’m ok, but then something makes me think of him, or see him and I start crying again. I know it’s normal and that I need time to grieve. I just wish I didn’t. I’ve been having RLS and not sleeping much. Last night I got about 2 hours so after Brian and Raven left I tried to go back to sleep. However, a lady called me and said she went to get Wraith for cremation. That makes me think of his poor body laying there. Meanwhile I have Rudy warm and asleep on my chest and to think that he may be gone very soon also is just too much.

The past couple of months I’m struggling financially and it will continue for a couple more months, at least. It doesn’t matter… it will work out eventually. Rudy won’t eat for me today so I have to go get more A/D and fluids. I abhor giving him those because I have to put a huge needle in his poor little body. I’d rather take it myself than give it to him.

I’m too tired and dispirited for much more today.

IMG_3625

Wraith

IMG_3630

Rudy

IMG_3633

Rudy, Wraith, Merlin

Wraith

Our kitty Wraith passed on last night. He got stuck behind the couch a week or so ago and could barely move due to his arthritis. We were afraid he was going to die then before we found out what it was. He’s been on pain meds and was doing much better. He was moving around again, eating and purring. My baby Rudy is sick as well. They tell me he’s dying but I have a hard time believing it. Between the two of them, I’ve been busy nursing cats. Raven has been a huge help. Last night Wraith was in bed with me. He was laying up against my side when I fell asleep, and when I pet him he gave me his rusty little purr that I love so much. And now I’m crying again.

I hadn’t been asleep for long when I woke to a noise. I think it was him falling that woke me. At any rate, I woke to find him on the floor beside the bed, on his back. Brian came in and we talked to Wraith and pet him but he was unresponsive. His paws were twitching and he was panting, but that was all. Brian feared his back or neck was broken and we were afraid to move him. After several calls, the vet returned our call. (It was 1:30am) Wraith wasn’t reacting and we knew he was going but he needed some help. We took him in to the vet and the Doctor said he had a stroke. I don’t think Wraith was aware of anything by then so we kissed him goodbye and let him go.

Wraith was Brian’s favorite and they were buddies. Wraith loved him. I know Brian is hurt by his loss. But he won’t share even that with me. He won’t let me comfort him or offer any comfort. I wanted to hug him and be here for him but I know he’ll only push me away so I feel like I can’t help and it’s frustrating. We both lost the furbaby we loved.

I just had to call and cancel Wraith’s appt with the other vet for his annual shots. I didn’t even schedule Rudy because they tell me he’s dying. I’d like to get his bloodwork run again but the vet bills have been so much lately, as well as other unexpected bills, and now Christmas is coming. Anyway. Wraith was old. We really don’t know how old, but I’m sure it was older than Ali thought. I’m glad he got to spend the last part of his life with us, with people who loved him and treated him the way he should be treated. It always rips my heart out when one of my cats dies, and I always miss them, but the joy they bring to the lives of those who love them is worth it. There are always so many cats that need loving homes.

My head feels like it’s going to explode and my thoughts are a bit disjointed. I just needed to write a little about what happened. I’ll miss you, Wraithy.