Tomorrow I meet with the doc for the 2nd time. I’m not sure if this is going to work out but I’ll give it a shot. I’ve never seen a male Dr before, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk to him about the various issues. I’m still in the getting to know you stage and probably will be for a while. Last week I gave him the Brief History of Me… and he looked at me like a bug under a microscope. Also, he expects me to come each week with a topic in mind. He said he has spent entire sessions just looking at his patient. I’m not sure how that’s going to work out either. I don’t think he thinks I have DID… because of the lack of any knowledge of personalities with names and separate egos. That was why I fought the diagnosis for so long, but I don’t know what else would explain my memory lapses. I guess I’ll ask.
There’s a repairman here today and I keep getting distracted with that, and by cats demanding my attention. I think tomorrow I should explain how I feel about animals, and the forest, and how much I miss my woods. Maybe that will help him understand the panic attack I had when Kit went to Ali’s.
The Perseid meteor shower is going on and I’d love to see it. I think about when I slept in the Egyptian desert and the sky went on forever. The more I looked, the deeper it became until I felt I was falling into the sky. There was no light pollution, just infinite stars above the desert, and I watched falling stars streak across the sky until early morning. I want to do that again. I want to go back to Egypt, but it’s in such a turmoil I fear I’ll never get to. There are so many places I want to see, so much I want to experience, and sometimes I feel like I’m running out of time. I have this yearning inside me and sometimes it grows to such a crescendo I feel like I’ll drown in it.