An emotional mess

I’ve been a mess the last couple of days. I’m erratic, over-emotional, moody as hell, unsure of anything and short tempered. I’m trying to get back to normal but am having a difficult time of it. Maybe I just need some time.

I’m trying to distract myself by looking forward to things I have planned, but even then my imagination starts going off the rails, and not in a good way. I try to write but it’s overwrought and/or saccharine crap. So here I am, questioning everything and trying not to crawl out of my skin. My nerves are too wound up right now and I need to release some of that.

I want to write, but I feel shell shocked. I’m dazed and scattered and antsy; feeling needy and hating it. I’m trying to pull that cloak of independence back over myself but the damn thing seems to be all balled up at the moment. So meanwhile the needy thing is resented.

Talking to Hunter helps. It always does. We just spoke for a few minutes and honestly I’m surprised he hasn’t lost patience with me. Of course, he avoids some important things, but as far as lifting my spirits he can always do that. His birthday is next month and we’re going to a strip club. This will be a first for me and I’m not sure what to expect other than what he’s told me, and that’s enough to make me nervous. I think I’ll be fine once I relax a bit, although I’m not keen on strange women attempting to undress me (or grind on him). That could very well be him messing with me but I actually don’t think it is from what I’ve read. I suppose I’ll find out.

In other news, an editor contacted me about submitting some work. I’ve been meaning to send out a round of submissions. I’ve been writing poetry like mad for this entire year but haven’t sent anything out. So I think that’s my cue to get busy. Hope your night is going great, whatever you may be doing, wherever you are doing it at.

Here is a short, very old one of mine that was in my first collection, “Disturbed”.

I am

Red is the color of 
Remembrance and 
Razor slices,
turning my body 
inside out. 

I leave crimson handprints
on the wall
next to my bed,
And write the 
name of God
with bloody fingers.

Bad day

I’m having a pretty bad day and am really down, so you’ve been warned.

I made the mistake of saying too much, of hoping for too much, of exposing too much of myself. I had already been exposed actually, so when I slipped I didn’t realize how badly at first. I didn’t think it was new information, and I still don’t, but I guess it was no longer something that could be ignored. So now I’m holding my breath, watching the blood well from my wound and wondering how deep it goes.

I want to go back to bed, pull the sheet over my head and sleep the day away, but I’m trying to resist it. I just wish I could control my heart, but it’s always been a wild thing prone to go where it wants. I’ve gotten nothing done today. I’ve been zoning out thinking about things. I had hoped journaling would give me some clarity but it hasn’t so far. It helps me to sort things out I think, but that’s more a head than a heart thing.

It’s supposed to be some ridiculous temperature like 96 today, the hottest day of the week, so I can’t go outside and distract myself. I went out this morning and did what I could before it got too hot. I can’t seem to write anything. I stare at the screen, peruse today’s prompt words for inspiration, then stare at the screen some more and think about what I’d like to write about without actually doing it. The words are awkward today, perhaps an extension of myself. Maybe I can find another sort of distraction.

Maybe that shoe will never drop.

Weekend catchup

It’s Sunday night and I’m recovering from the weekend. Hunter was here so it was a good one. It was another miserably hot weekend here so we didn’t spend a lot of time outside but we still had fun. We did go for an early morning walk Saturday in the local natural resources area. I really need to do that on a regular basis and get more exercise. The woods were gorgeous but by the time we made it back to the parking lot I had overheated from my meds. That made me loopy so I had recover a bit. I hate being on meds and would really like to get off of them. I would have liked to take a more leisurely walk and look at the plants, and take some photos, but it was heating up quickly.

When the weather cools off a little I’ll be able to spend more time outside. Then I hope to get back into exploring, go camping, go to the beach, the Ren Faire, and a thousand other places. Hunter and I have talked about doing some of this stuff and I hope to find other people to do other things with. I’ve been looking on meetup for local groups. There’s a belly dancing group somewhat near.. but not really. Bellydancing is something I’ve always wanted to learn. I got some VHS tapes long ago and tried to learn that way. It’s a hell of a workout. So there aren’t a lot of local meetup groups, but the local college has some classes I’m looking into. The volunteering thing didn’t work out all that well, but I think the SPCA is open for volunteers again. If they are I can possibly help them.

I love when Hunter is here for a visit, but after he leaves I have a post-visit depression. That’s where I am at the moment. I’m lonely and wondering how long it will be before we get together again. I’m questioning myself, my worth, and his feelings about the whole matter. It’ll pass I suppose.

We watched the new Sandman series. It was great! I was heavily into Sandman when I first got into comics in the 90s and so far they’ve done a fantastic job with it. The casting is superb and I’m looking forward to the next season. We also watched “The Black Phone”. I’d been wanting to see that one and it was really good. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ethan Hawke as a bad guy before and he was supremely creepy in this movie. The child actors did a fantastic job as well.

My writing has been erratic at best lately. I need to come up with a plan for that. I need to get some of the poetry I’ve been writing submitted, if any of it is worth doing so, and I need to get back to writing the book I was ‘taking a break’ from. Well the break has been going on for far too long. Poetry is great but I’d like to sell a book. Below is my latest scribbling. Meh.

The night we met I was haunted, 
Wanton and recklessly calling,
Balancing on the edge of the abyss
and half in love with Death.

Your silken seduction mesmerized, 
A challenge luring me closer
As I danced the fevered threads
That were your pursuit.

Now that I wear your mark
Caught and bound in your orbit
Galaxies explode within me, 
Each time you growl my name.

Currently listening to

Egypt Pt 7

I have not read my journals since I wrote them, so as I transcribe them is the first time since. As such, I forgot that I never finished with the journal. I was so far behind on what had happened by the time I went home I didn’t get around to finishing. So this is the last of what I wrote about Egypt.

Continued

We arrived in Kharga oasis that night and went to the ethnographic museum. It was interesting in its own way and the man who showed us about was very knowledgeable about the history of Kharga’s oasis people. Afterwards we went to dinner, probably the best so far, and afterwards a few of us went to the hot springs. The water was wonderful and is supposed to be good for the skin.

I just realized I left out Luxor entirely, so I suppose I’ll come back to the desert. Luxor was after Hurghada and before we set out for the oases.

Ok, Emad, our driver, left us in Luxor to go home and we got a new driver whose name I don’t think I got. We checked into the hotel and took caleshes to Karnak temple. Karnak is just amazing, like so much of Egypt is. When you arrive at the entrance, you are met at a walkway lined with sphinxes and ending at the massive gates to the temple.

11/26

I just boarded the plane for home and I’m so depressed. I’m going home to the same situation I left. The pain has not faded, it was only on hold. I’ve been too busy to examine it much but now it is making itself known again.

And that’s it… sorry I didn’t get to finish. 😦 I wish I had.. there’s a lot I didn’t write about. Below are a few more photos from my trip. I’d like to get all my journals transcribed eventually but will have to check if I finished them first. 🙂

Thieves suck and Self Destruction

Saturday night when I’m starting this. It’s 11:30 and as hot as it’s been, right now I’m downright chilly. As such the ac has been turned off. Circe is grooming herself beside me on her princess pillow. lmao I live to serve my kitty overlords. Speaking of, I miss Jack. And Merlin. Anyway,

I’ve been robbed of an entire savings account that I somewhat stupidly had in cash in my house. It was in a safe but a lot of good it did me… the safe was closed but the dial wasn’t spun. I have been sick over this since I discovered it yesterday. I’m pretty sure I know who did it, not that I can prove it. So much for house repairs. This person was after my prescriptions… the money was an unexpected windfall I’m sure. It makes me sick every time I think about it. 😦

My cousin took me out to lunch to get my mind off of it and talked me into a pomegranate martini. I don’t drink but have been thinking of dabbling a bit lately. 🙂 Hunter wants to take me to a strip club… something I’ve never done, and I’m thinking of some liquid courage. Not that I should need it, but I might drink a little…just so I don’t feel conspicuous. That’s not for another five or six weeks though. For now, I’m looking forward to the coming weekend with Hunter.

I’m afraid my writing has been subpar lately but below is one I like. It needs tweaking but I think it has potential. Goodnight people.

Self destruction is an art,
And I always was gifted,
Creating terrible crimson beauty
On canvas with blood and magic,
And building worlds with pretty words
Each a drop of secret pain.

I learned my annihilation early,
Dying to the sound of the world ending
Resurrecting with a blood sacrifice
And just one more scar to paint.

I perfected my craft as I grew
Learning in the desperate places 
To be the dangerous type
Caught between death and desire
A trail of broken lovers in my wake.

I think I’m almost complete
A masterpiece of ruination
A twisted collage on display
For one last curtain call. 

Egypt Pt 6 Desert

11/24

We went to a sand dune and played on that for a while and I climbed up to examine some of the rock formations. When we left, Tony got on top of the jeep. It looked like lots of fun, and I wanted to get up there also. Next we came to a colored canyon. The rock there is layers of rich colors and the canyon is a dark, deep crevasse also used for smuggling. Some of the other guys had gotten on top of the jeep and at this time Anthony got up there. I said I wanted to also, so our Bedouin driver stopped the jeep and up I went.

I hooked my feet into the luggage rack and held on. It felt so wonderful to be on top of the jeep, bouncing around the desert with the wind in my hair. It was exhilarating and our driver made sure to bounce the jeep around the rocky places and spin it in the sand. When we reached the main road I had to get down and get back in the jeep. We went on to a Bedouin camp out in the desert. We went inside a wooden enclosure and sat for tea while an old woman made bread by the fire. A young woman sat in the corner nursing a baby while outside other women and young girls sat with wares for sale. They had veils and scarves and beautiful beaded jewelry. I bought some bracelets from the woman inside without her saying a single word. She wore a veil and I believe she was forbidden to speak as she would signal how much items were silently. I bought a scarf from a lady outside and stamped the children’s hands and gave them pens before we left. After dinner I was too tired for sheesha and went to bed.

The next day we traveled towards the desert. We had to meet up with police convoys, which then take groups of tourists to their destinations. However, as there weren’t enough tourists, instead of the convoy they would send a police officer with us or an armed escort truck. As we passed through the Suez canal, on either side of the tunnel stood military on tops of the hills. They stood in camouflage with guns held ready and the occasional mounted machine gun could be seen standing against the sky.

Most of the day I sat in the front fold out chair next to the driver and kept him company. He told me about his family and sang and joked around that if I fell asleep, then he would too. Hurghada is a town along the Red Sea known for diving. It is a mass of concrete building and lights and has a fake feel to it. We went out to eat and the waiter was being obnoxious trying to hit on me the whole time. On our way back to the hotel several of us stopped at a sheesha bar. I half expected to choke on it but it was very mild and tasted of apples and cinnamon. There is also a honey flavor but I haven’t tried it yet. I thought it was only flavored tobacco but they told me it was a mild narcotic. The men here sit and shops and smoke it all day.

After sheesha we went back to the hotel. I had a room to myself again (a perk of traveling alone) and when I went to request my key the man at the desk told me he knew what room I was in and gave it to me without asking.

I went to my room and immediately the phone rang. It was the man from the front desk asking me to ‘help him with his English’. I told him I was going to bed but he persisted in trying to get me to meet him and stated that I was alone. I was telling him no when I heard a knock on my door.

I answered the door to another man who said he needed to spray the room for mosquitoes. I let him in and told the one on the phone I had to go. The man with the bug spray started walking around the room spraying at nothing I could see and proceeded to start coming on to me. He said “You are alone” and asked my name and started telling me I was beautiful, etc. And seriously, do they do this to all women traveling alone?? Well I’d had enough and walked him to the door. When I opened it, the first guy was standing there and did not look happy. The two of them started arguing and I ushered them out and shut the door. I locked it and was very nervous the rest of the night.

The next day was more traveling, more police, more staring men. (Can you tell I’d had enough of this shit?) As we headed into the desert we saw less and less tourists and the police grew more suspicious. I noticed that almost all the women were now veiled and some even had the gauze over their eyes.

The desert took over the landscape and mesmerized me to sleep.

The White Desert

Random thoughts

I’m feeling a bit introspective today. I realized something about a recent change in my behavior. In the origins of it, I guess, but then maybe I’m just playing armchair psychologist to myself. I know, I couldn’t be much vaguer. It has to do with self-esteem issues. My ex-husband did a number on mine and it hasn’t recovered. I’m not sure it will. I don’t know how to fix something that took me so long to gain in the first place. Anyway.

I don’t remember if I wrote about the Bride of Chucky costume. I have everything in now except the necklace and tattoo. The wig sucks but I’m not sure I want to spend the extra to get a better one. I think it will look pretty good but I haven’t tried it all together yet. I made a first pass at the makeup but need to work on that more. Heavier makeup seems to be the thing… when I think it’s too much, I should double it. Swear to God, I don’t know how these women do this whole contouring and 25 brushes and 18 shades of 14 kinds of makeup. I wouldn’t know what to do with the brushes even if I had them. Same with contouring. That stuff is like magic to me… it’s amazing what they do with it but damn if I have the patience for that.

Transcribing my Egypt travel journal makes me want to travel. I’d like to get them all transcribed online eventually but it’s a job. My chicken scratch is not the easiest to make out, even for me. I haven’t read them since I wrote them and I’m being reminded of things I’d forgotten. Egypt wasn’t my first trip, it was just the journal I happened to grab. This journal also has Ecuador and India in it so I may just do those next before moving on to another book.

I think my writing has kind of sucked lately but below is the most recent. Hope you enjoy.

It was too hot to think,
The city stunned and swollen,
Simmering in the brutal sun
As we lay sprawled in the 
spreading twilight shade,
Half dressed, skin shining
and praying for a breeze.

The burning night skies smelled of 
Gasoline and broken promises,
Bleak regret carried on oily flames,
The sound of shattering glass
And riot shields breaking 
A bitter backdrop to our annihilation.
 
Temperatures rise with the seas
And red anger rises with the 
Finality of destruction,
Bodies fall with the heat,
And somewhere a lone fox lay dying
The Earth’s last victim.

Egypt Part 5 Nuweiba – Mt. Sinai

continued from yesterday

I have never experienced anything like this. The colors under the sea were so vivid and beautiful and everything was bathed in a soothing blue light. I don’t know the names of the fish I saw. There were yellow fish and blue fish and iridescent and every other color imaginable. There were fat black eels curled up in the sand and sea anemones waving their fronds. The coral itself was purple and blue and red. There were schools of incredibly tiny sparkly fish and long pencil thin fish. I swallowed mouthfuls of the sea several times and came up choking, then had to get used to snorkeling again before continuing. My head hurt but I didn’t want to quit. Then I saw the biggest fish of all when the others were coming in. It was several feet long and was purple and brilliant blue and green.

When I came back to shore I was feeling worse and I finally threw up some of the water I’d swallowed. Then I started feeling better. We went back to the hotel to change and then set off on the bus again. Our next destination was Mt. Sinai. We headed into the mountains climbing higher and higher. The mountains are huge rocks sticking out of the desert ground and look so naked. It actually rained for a bit on the way up and there was snow on top of some of the mountains.

We arrived in the evening at the Daniella hotel. The area is populated with the Bedouin people and at our first stop, a small store, they all stared at me, as usual. The call to prayer rang as we arrived.

The call to prayer sounds several times a day. It calls those of the Islamic faith to prayer from the mosques and is a hauntingly beautiful sound. It strikes me as very mysterious and exotic and I don’t think I’d ever tire of hearing it.

Anyway, the Daniella had a nice reception area and Christmas carols playing. The carols jarred harshly with the Egyptian surroundings and I hated them.

—Right now I’m leaving Kharga oasis for Dakklan (sp) going deeper into the desert. It is beautiful to me and I can see how one might be seduced by its deadly beauty. It could take me without even noticing and I’d never be found. I love the bizarre sculptures worked in sand. They are decorated with intricate ripples and swirls and I can imagine a playful wind running its fingers through the sand. Back to Sinai.

11/23

That night we went to the local restaurant run by the Bedouin. It was an open room with carpet on every single surface and upon which we sat. I had Turkish coffee when they brought drinks. There was a mother cat and her kittens wandering around and behind a half wall a Bedouin woman tended a small girl. The food was served buffet style outside the hut so we all lined up with our plates when it was ready. The food was wonderful but the cats were getting on the carpeted stools that served as tables and everyone was getting angry. They didn’t bother me. I thought the whole experience was good.

After we ate I stepped out for a cigarette. There were children out there so I blew bubbles for them. The Bedouin were laughing and saying something in Arabic and the bus driver said that I was like his little girl, then imitated me blowing bubbles.

I declined climbing the mountain in the morning so I got to sleep in a little. I came down for breakfast in the morning and the manager lectured me for smoking. He then said he would take me to try sheesha that night after dinner.

I went out ot meet the bus for St. Katherine’s. He dropped off me and another girl who didn’t climb at the entrance and we began walking up. The police stopped me and asked me 20 questions before allowing us through. We walked up to the monastery and met up with the rest of the group.

Liz, the Australian girl with whom I was rooming and I set off to find the charnel house. The charnel house is a room where they keep the bones of monks, which of course piqued my morbid interests. We briefly entered the church and I was awed by the beauty of it. From the church ceiling hung dozens of ornate lanterns and every wall was covered with beautiful paintings that reminded me of Russian icons. The church was dark and was tended to by robed, bearded monks (Note – I think it says bearded…)

We made our way out and went down a long passageway to where a large bush overhung the walkway. This was the Burning Bush. We didn’t have much time until we had to meet the group. We headed into the other section of the monastery and found the Charnel house. The entryway was barred up but by looking through the bars you could see an entire room of skulls piled on top of each other. In another room was bones. In the center of this room a skeleton and clothes were encased. I forget the name but I believe it was a Saint.

We met up with the rest of the group and Liz, Cathy and I decided to walk back so we’d have more time to look around. We went back into the church and I had a better look around. It was absolutely magnificent.

When we got back to the hotel it was time for the jeep safari. We went off road and spun around in the sand for a while. Our guide was an Arab in white robe and turban. Anyway, our first stop was the White Canyon. It’s made of white limestone and is a deep chasm running through the desert. The guide told us it was used by drug smugglers. At another stop we found a small Bedouin girl of about six crouched on the rocks. She was dirty, her hair stuck out in the wildest fashion and she had gorgeous eyes. We were shown a small valley under the rocks and were told the trek led to Libya. (I think – this is why I hate being behind in writing)

More tomorrow.

St. Katherine’s monastery

Egypt Part 4 Bazaar – Nuweiba

11/18 Continued from yesterday, I’m currently on a bus in a police caravan. Everywhere we went in the bazaar men were stopping me and commenting on my eyes. Maybe that’s it – blue eyes. One guy jokingly offered 20 million camels. I told him to show them to me.

11/ I have no idea what day it is any more. I was writing about the bazaar. At this point, I’m quite sick of the men here.

11/ Next morning and we’re getting ready to leave Luxor for the desert. Back to the bazaar.

The souks of the bazaar were lined up in narrow, jumbled streets and we began exploring them. I saw beautiful silver jewelry, small decorative bottles, statues, textiles, a brilliant kaleidoscope of colors, sounds and smells. On the side streets we would turn a corner to find exquisite arches and stonework and in their shadows Egyptians hawked their wares. The locals are a meld of cultures. The men range from modern dress, traditional gauyaberas, turbans and shawls wrapped around their head and neck, or a combination. I was admiring the bottles at various perfume souks and one man lured me into his shop. It was a small souk crowded with beautiful glass bottles of all shapes and colors, and he led me up a narrow winding stair to the upper floor, which was smaller still. I bargained with him for a bottle and decided on a smaller one. He tried to sell me perfume, which I refused, and then proceeded to attempt to give me a perfume massage (also refused).

I began walking again, dodging the attention, and stopped next at a shop selling sheeshah pipes. I wasn’t sure how they worked so he put one together for me and ended up selling it to me. We continued walking around the bazaar and bantering with the men who were flirting. Cathy was stepping in more and more, for which I was grateful. My next stop was at a souk selling belly dancing scarves. He kept draping them around me and I bargained for a sheer black one with silver coins sewn into it. He brought Egyptian tea for us to sit and drink and Cathy actually started belly dancing. I decided to buy another sheeshah pipe, this one of brass, and a black cat figurine.

By this time we were due to meet up with the others for dinner. We ate at a little restaurant on the edge of the bazaar and I ordered koushari, which is a mixture of pasta, lentils, chickpeas, spices and sauce. It was very good. By that time we were ready to head back, or the rest of the group was, and I went along. The driver put ethnic music on and me, Cathy and Carylene all danced in the back seat. When we arrived back at the hotel we sat outside and talked a bit before I went up for bed.

The next morning we left early for the Red Sea coast. Our driver is named Ehmed and he is a sweetheart. He is an older Egyptian man who acts very fatherly and has taken a liking to me. Anyway, we arrived in Nuweiba that afternoon. Nuweiba is a tiny town along the coast of the Red Sea. The streets were dirt, and goats and donkeys wandered about. Our hotel had small bungalows on the beach and I got one to myself.

11/21? -continued

The motels we’ve been staying at have mostly been dives, but this one was charming. Of course the shower didn’t work. That would have been too much to ask. There was a nice breeze from the sea and chairs in front of my door. I was glad to have a room to myself. By this time the strain of being with so many people was wearing on me and it was a nice break. I changed into shorts, t-shirt and sarong and walked down on the beach but the others had finished swimming and I didn’t feel like being stared at.

I changed into something a little nicer and went out. Everyone had gathered around Liz’s bungalow and were drinking beer. I walked over and said hi before taking my journal to the patio to write. I wrote until it was time to go to dinner, trying to catch up, which was obviously in vain.

We went to a small restaurant down the road called The Mermaid. I had vegetarian lasagna, which was very good. There was no electricity and the town was pitch black, so you couldn’t see the road. I walked back with a few other ladies and admired the stars when I wasn’t concentrating on trying not to trip. When we got back I walked down to the beach. The moon was rising over the water and its reflection filled the sea with ripples of silver light. I walked a bit before finding a place to sit and watch. The sound of the waves lapping against the shore lulled me into a peaceful trance. This day I had been hurting. It’s always there but at Nuweiba it rose through the layers I had tried to drown it in. I lied back on a stone block and looked at the stars and listened to the sea. When I grew cold I went inside and made myself cum.

I had been looking forward to snorkeling but the depression had me down so I had told Diane, our leader, that I was going to pass. In the morning I had changed my mind and decided to fight through it. We got our gear from a nearby shop and set off. We only went a short ways from where we were before going down to the beach. The waters of the sea are so beautiful, unlike anything I’ve ever seen. The water is blue and green and every shade in between and is so clear you can see right through it. The instructor told us how to breathe and we all put on our gear and went out. When I first put my face in the water I panicked a little and couldn’t get used to the idea that I could breathe underwater. Me, Liz and Jean stayed near the shore and practiced. I soon managed to relax and breathe and set off on my own. The reef was right offshore and I found myself snorkeling directly above it. I was afraid I would touch it on accident and damage it, or touch fire coral and damage myself, so I slowly kicked myself away from it to where the reef dropped off.

I’ll finish writing about Nuweiba tomorrow. This girl is a toast. 🙂

Melancholy thoughts, Gardens and poetry

It’s late and I’m a bit melancholy tonight. My mouth is still tore up from the dental work but it’s slowly getting better. It’s the state of my relationships that has me down though, as usual. Sometimes I’m sure things will work out, but then something will be said or done that makes me think it’s hopeless.

For Comic-con Hunter and I are going as Chucky and Bride of Chucky. I got part of my costume in yesterday and I think it’s going to be really cute. 🙂 I hope we get to go to the Horrorcon too. We have several things planned that I’m looking forward to. I wish I could let myself go all in and enjoy this but there’s always a part of me that knows the rug might be pulled from under me, so to speak. Without getting into details, there are reminders.

It’s the next day and I just had one of those reminders. I’m ok though. I’m not good at separating my emotions. Like, at all. But I think I’m freezing that part as well as I can. And I keep telling myself I need to see other people but so far I haven’t met anyone interesting and local-ish. The only interesting ones live far away, but isn’t that how it always goes?

I went out to water the garden this morning. I need to get some photos. The purple coneflowers are exploding. One is standing close to 6 feet and is covered in flowers. It’s so weighed down that some of them are falling over on top of the other flowers so I have to go out and trim or prop them up. They are covered with bees of every type. I don’t know the names of half of the native bees. There’s a swallowtail butterfly out there flitting about and it smells wonderful. My jasmine tobacco is blooming also. It’s only fragrant at night but if you go out early in the day you can still smell it. I also have a crimson tobacco that has a faint scent but is gorgeous. Black eyed susans and liatris are in bloom and the zinnias are just getting started. Orange cosmos has just started blooming as well, and marigolds are growing for their fall display. My elfwort is blooming for the first time this year. It’s in a bad spot so I may move it. The native bee balm is winding down, much to the regret of the local pollinators. That’s a favorite. I have hummingbird moths that hit that up. I love those little guys. They are so cute and completely fearless. I saw a baby toad out in the grass that I’m going to be worried about now when they come to mow the yard. My yard needs a serious grooming and the lawn guy isn’t really doing it. It’s not so much the grass as the sides that are creeping in. If I had my way I’d get rid of the grass and grow something that feeds wildlife and doesn’t need mowed. Clover at least, but I would prefer a native garden.

Around back I have raised beds for veggies. I grow heirloom veggies from seed, but this year I got a very late start. Then my first batch of seedlings got killed so I had to start over, making it even later. As a result, I just harvested my first cucumber. 🙂 Some of my tomatoes are loaded up and should be ripening soon, but a few of them are still pretty smallish. Ah well. What I get, I get. I always look forward to fresh tomato sandwiches. It’s one of the pleasures of summer. I’m currently growing Brandywine, Rutger, Black Cherry and another black variety whose name currently escapes me. All of them are good.

On my way back in, I stopped by my herbal pots to harvest some summer savory and thyme. The damn squirrel keeps digging in those pots and has killed half the savory. He also killed a tobacco flower. The basil, oregano and rosemary are ok. I really miss my old house and gardens but I’m making the best of what I have here.
Below are a few things I’ve written.

(Yes I know there has been far too much of this. This is the last one in my queue.. then I have some regular stuff. )

It was too hot to think,
caught in your orbit and body on fire
caution and pride forfeit,
reason disregarded for
this deliberate seduction.
I never knew the depths 
of my submission
until you stripped my defenses
suspended at the knife’s edge of your control
and euphoric in my possession.
Now I’m fascinated,
hungry and pacing this cage, 
claws still sharp but aching
for your hand on my throat.

Another acrostic:

Seaside susurrations and the
Haunting cries of gulls
Over the sound of waves
Raking at mutable beach and
Eroding the rocky bluff
Leaving oceanic gifts
In heavy sands, half buried
Notes in bottles
Endings to stories never written.

Chased in mirror maze Sinewy clowns with bared teeth Stalking reflections	The journey’s last leg Our last chance at survival Yearning for lost Earth
Underground horrors tearing free from bloody roots emerge with a red hunger	Ghostly flames each night Repeating sins of arson A child’s burned spirit

And a few haiku